You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
