I'm passing your future prison.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Randomize
