saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
