Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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