seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
