They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
