I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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