She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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