The maid of honor just puked.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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