That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
