Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
