I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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