did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
