Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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