i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
