Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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