...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
