i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you didnt know i had herpes?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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