so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
