piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
