There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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