There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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