I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
