if i can run in heels then i can drive
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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