Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
