when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
