she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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