i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
