We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
