Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
where does the pee come out of this thing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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