Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
