Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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