my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
