i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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