We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
