I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
