yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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