I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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