I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
