I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
