What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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