There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
