last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
