While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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