Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
