put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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