Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
