mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
