Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
