batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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