If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
