i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
