Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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